Thank you for your thoughtful and sweet words about fathering.
Sometimes I feel lost, without a blueprint and not sure if I am doing a
good job at re-inventing fatherhood.
I know from my experience that men in general and fathers in particular are
taught that they should not make mistakes. It is very courageous of you to
acknowledge and express confusion about fathering. Fathering is not easy.
Fathering is not something that most of us have an easily accessible
blueprint for. I work primarily with adolescent males around sexuality.
When we talk about being good fathers, two things are clear to me: 1) most
young men do not have role models for being a good father, and 2) most
young
men blame themselves for not knowing how to be a good father. The cycle of
ignorance around fathering is reinforced by shame. We are taught that we
should know it all about everything (never stop for directions!). When we
don't, we blame ourselves. I admire you for being able to recognize that
this is hard and that you need help. We all deserve help in being better
fathers.
Good luck!
David K. Whitmore
Educator
Planned Parenthood of Tompkins County
314 West State Street
Ithaca, NY 14850
(607) 273-1526 ext. 135
David.Whitmore@PPFA.org
http://www.sextalk.org
----- Original Message -----
From: "koconn4" <koconn4@lausd.k12.ca.us>
Sent: Tuesday, October 09, 2001 3:29 PM
Subject: [EDEQUITY] "Boy Code"
> Thank you for your thoughtful and so articulate message,"Showing their
> Humanity" A Window to the hearts of men . It really made me think. I am a
> recovering member of the "Boy Code". I grew up with my four brothers in a
> time
> where emotional detachment among males was the norm and outward male
> affection, especially between boys and their fathers was only
demonstrated
> in
> a rare event like a funeral or a wedding, and then only briefly at that.
My
>
> father was a decent, caring man who raised me in the strict, emotionally
> detached way he was raised. He communicated his love for us through my
> mother,i.e. "You know your father loves you very much!" Now, I am a
father
> of
> two boys ages 4 and 6 and I find myself desperately trying to redefine
this
>
> role of fatherhood that has been handed down to me. I started by simply
> showing my sons affection. I kiss and hug my sons, and they kiss and hug
me
>
> everyday. I do this not only out of love, but also to model affection for
> them, so they can learn. Still, I am not sure if I will always be the
kind
> of
> father that can satisfy his sons' need for attention, affection and love.
> Sometimes I feel lost, without a blueprint and not sure if I am doing a
> good
> job at re-inventing fatherhood. What do I do next? What do I do ten
years
> from now? Sometimes I think even if I succeed at being a loving nurturing
> father for my sons, what effect will society have on them? Will their
> friends,
> teachers etc. insist on them conforming to the "Boy Code" despite my
> efforts?
>
> E. Kevin O'Connell
> koconn4 <koconn4@lausd.k12.ca.us>
>
>
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