Response to past discussion in [male dialogue: Gender is a Male Issue]
Hi folks,
I recently joined the list, and searched the archives to read the male
dialogue responses. Its heartening to realize that there are more of us
out
there concerned, outraged, committed, and struggling to bring these issues
to the mainstream channels of discussion. As a woman who majored in
Women's
Studies, I have been extremely interested in the intersections of
homophobia, traditional codes of masculinity, and bullying. As we are
thinking about and, and discussing issues of unequal power distribution,
oppression, and violence--I believe it is important to look at how our
language speaks to some messages our cultures and society feed us. Naming
is a process so imbued with power.
I want to bring up how our language, combined with what we neglect to
verbalize, can dramatically change how we discuss issues, how the
conversation is framed--leaving critical pieces behind, or ignored.
And I think that a critical intersection gets lost or barely recognized in
our/the conversations around strict gender codes, the resulting violence
and
ways to counteract the strong messages. The point often missed, is
adultism's ripples in this dynamic--how adults, and the power we receive
from our role in this society, interact with the young people and frame the
dialogue around these issues of adolescence, violence, gender expectations.
Adultism is another form of oppression--one that we have all experienced,
since we have all at one point been young people, with adults around us.
Its pervasive nature, strongly ensures that the dynamic between young
people
and adults will continue in the same patterns, many of which are
detrimental
to both parties, and these patterns help to pave the way for our acceptance
of and compliance with other forms of oppression. I am bringing these
issues
into this list serve's dialogue, because I believe that in order to
struggle
for gender equity within schools, we, as adults, must look at how our power
and privilege impacts our work and interactions concerning gender equity
and
other social justice issues.
As I continue to research, present and write on the topic of bullying, and
gender codes and homophobia I always keep this philosophy at the forefront:
I strongly believe that young people, when they are toddlers or older are
"truth and justice seekers", as well as "exposers". I think we all were
created with a core of humanity that wants us, motivates us to call out
loudly when things look or feel or sound "unfair" or "different". But, as
we grow older we go through a process of "hardening", much like what is
discussed in the work on the "culture of boys" and when we enter the arena
of adulthood in society, we often reach a point where we not only
experience
collective amnesia about our childhood wounds and theories on fairness, but
we also gain the power to squelch this "inner social justice seeker-voice"
within the young people in our lives, by our words, shaming, gestures,
outrage or discipline. Slowly and easily, if unchecked, we become the
silencing or containing force that we so distained or feared as young
people/"kids".
To remember the pain, the realities we experienced when young, would be to
open up an amazingly heavy door to our other life as children and
adolescence. Some people have locked, and bolted this door shut with
ferocious force. So there is tremendous resistance, as individuals, and as
a
society to unlocking that passageway. With this opening of the door, I
think comes many answers and regained understandings around bullying, and
"youth violence" or "boy's violence". We are mostly frightened by the
opening of this door, not because we fear the unknown, but because we fear
the "known" within us. So if the door opens to our tightly shut past, what
questions would face us, for a first or second time?
Its important to recognize the similarities that adults face as they reveal
their vulnerability's, and recall their childhoods--they are quite similar
to the names, labels and boxes that most boys face when they are asked to
reveal their vulnerability's. To recall with vivid images and visceral
feeling, the memories of our childhoods, our pasts, we risk being called
"sissy" again, as adults....we risk the peer culture of adults, labeling us
"too sensitive" or "radical" or just plain "nuts". But this is the risk we
need to take in order to become fully empowering allies for young people,
and to recover those lost selves we left, buried or hid as we became
adults.
So that said,
I appreciated Alexa Adoma's response on December 21st, concerning the need
to broaden our concepts of gender. Alexa's post and the one she was
responding to made me think about the issues mentioned around boys, and
they
made me think about we as adults "talk" about these issues. The original
posting Alexa responded to used the phrase "drilling into boy's heads" and
in her response, the phrase was expanded to "Drilling it into boy's and
girl's heads". Some may say this is "nitpicking" when we come down to
talking about the words we use. But that argument (championed by some
conservatives who speak about the PC nature of society) takes power away
from the wonderful work of scholars who look at the power of words and
naming: Audre Lorde, Mary Daly, Dale Spender, Jackson Katz.
When I took the time to look at the phrase "drilling into their
heads".....for me it conjured up an extremely violent image. Let that
phrase
and image sit with you. What are you left feeling or seeing? Yet this is a
phrase we use all the time, me included, without much reflection to the
literal and non-literal meaning. It is not only disturbing in the "violent
metaphor" it provides, but in the salient message that:
"kids need this force fed into their consciousness". "We (adults) need to
instruct them "kids" on this area of equity, gender roles, etc." This is
exactly was Paulo Freire speaks about in his books regarding the oppressive
nature of education. Our society looks at young people and students as
empty vessels, waiting to be filled. So, when I started to really think
about the phrase "drilling into their heads"...it made me think. If we are
seeking to change attitudes and societal values, maybe we need to start by
reframing our angle. Maybe we need to start rethinking our "entry point" in
this struggle, and who is included in the learning and "unlearning
process".
I see one of these critical junctures for our educational and liberation
efforts to be the moments when young people speak up,(ages 2,3 and up) and
often embarrass older people in their lives, with their candor and
truth-exposing comments/observations. it is in those early moments that an
educational opportunity exists.....one where the adult can be re-educated,
and the young person can be nurtured to continue seeking justice with their
observations and comments. It is in those moments, when we, as children,
have been told "SHHH" or "life is not fair" or "wait till you are an adult"
and when we as adults, feel so inclined to repeat those words.....it is in
that moment that we can support the knowledge the young person has within
that "this is wrong", "this feels bad" or "this needs to be recognized".
It
is at the moment where a young person speaks candidly, that adults can make
significant change as allies, and as reflective humans who are attempting
to
support the change of attitudes within themselves, while nurturing the
growing sense of justice within the young people. Something to think
about--questions to live in.
Wow, didn't think I would go on for that long, but I feel strongly about
these issues, and in a forum such as this, (adult-run and oriented) I often
feel the need to bring these issues up, as an advocate/ally to young
people.
If anyone is not that familiar with the work done around adultism and is
interested, i would be happy to share the resources I have found with you.
Just let me know.
Thanks for listening. I look forward to future conversations, hopefully
including the impact of adultism on all these topics.
-Talitha Abramsen
Founder, Facilitator
WeBelong: Working to Eliminate Bullying
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--Talitha Abramsen Fund Development Assistant Media Education Foundation 26 Center Street Northampton, MA 01060 Tel. 413-584-8500/800-897-0089 Fax. 413-586-8398/800-659-6882 talitha@mediaed.org www.mediaed.org Talitha Abramsen Fund Development Assistant Media Education Foundation 26 Center Street Northampton, MA 01060 Tel. 413-584-8500/800-897-0089 Fax. 413-586-8398/800-659-6882 talitha@mediaed.org www.mediaed.org
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